The Development of the real self through the lens of Attachment

attachment experience along with a healthy separation process. This process is typically developed through relationships between both parents “if available.” Mother is typically the primary relationship where the development begins and merges over to the other parent as development unfolds.

To develop a secure attachment the experience requires:

• Emotional Closeness
• Autonomy and Separateness

These two experiences allow for the unfolding and revelation of the real-self.

A healthy attachment is a prerequisite for healthy separation.

What is attachment?

Attachment is the understanding that we are hard wired to seek relationships, evolutionary wired to attach for survival and for affect regulation. Affect regulation is the mechanism by which our emotions, moods, feelings, and their expressions are modulated in pursuit of an affective equilibrium.

Healthy attachment requires:

• Attunement: Aware of a mind with my mind in mind.
• Rupture Repair Cycle: Repeated disruptions of the attuned relationship created by mis-attunement that occur in the interaction between parent and child followed by timely repair is optimal. This communicates to the child that “when I go away or when you are bad, or when I am mad at you, I will not leave you.” The child is able to become relaxed in the mothers emotional availability and experiences her as a secure base to individuate and separate. This template is then internalized and used in exploration of later experiences with the self and others.

It is from this process that an internal working model of relationships, (object relations unit or concepts) is formed. It is here that the child internalizes a schema of who he or she is, how others are and how to establish relationships.

This internal model comprises of a representation of the other that is emotionally available and acknowledges, affirms, approves of, attunes to and applauds the expression of the real self. The child’s self-representation feels valued, loved and safe.

“When things go wrong.”

Disorders of the self are fundamentally attachment disorders that disallow for healthy separation process. The attachment and separation capacities are impaired which reflect an insecure attachment system.

• Attunement: The attunement is insufficient when the parent’s agenda takes precedence over real-self needs. Implicit procedures needed to maintain an affective connection are things such as clinging dependence, helplessness, mirroring, performing, becoming invisible, being a problem etic.
• Rupture and Repair: Relational disjuncture’s has been either inconsistent or nonexistent or the repair experiences have been contingent on the activation of a false self, forming a model of “rupture-despair” rather than “rupture-repair.”
• Three forms of insecure attachment are: Anxious, Avoidant and Disorganized.

The insecure attachment is highly conditional on suppression of the real self; procedure not to activate, not to be expressed, not even be experienced.

interaction with a mis-attuning other.”

Abandonment depression is activated by separation urgers and events and by expressions of the real-self.

Here a core dynamic develops which is known as the “disorders of the self triad.”

• Self activation, leads to
• Abandonment depression which leads to
• False self defensive procedures (these can be things such as Fight; irritable, controlling or pushy, flight; busy productive driven by negative, perfectionist and catastrophic thinking, freeze; gets lost in addictive processes or substances, obsessive-compulsive, dissociative or codependent defensive reactions..

Abandonment depression also known as “absence despair,” becomes the “under hum” of the child’s experience. The dominant theme enacted in life involves avoidance of the full experience of that dreaded dysphoric state. The real self is procedure to avoid activation and the consequent experience of abandonment depression.

False Defensive Self:

Because the individual is wired to expect abandonment depression, if the real self is activated, a compensatory implicit relational procedure system evolves. Essentially a “defense system” emerges instead of a “self-system.” The false defensive self is designed to maintain an attachment to the object at any cost to avoid the experience of abandonment depression. These defensive procedures are maladaptive, and they imprison the person in a self-protective posture that prevents the possibility of real-self-development.

The split models are rooted in:

• False self-attachment experiences
  • Rewarding object relations unit: (Commonly seen in Borderline) Maternal part-object which offers approval of regressive and clinging behavior.  Part-self representation of being the good, passive child-unique and special/grandiose.  Affect Experienced:  feeling good, being taken care of, being loved, being fed, gratifying the wish for reunion
  • Grandiose self-omnipotent unit:  (Commonly Seen in Narcissism) Maternal part-object is Omnipotent, having unlimited power, able to do anything. Part-self representation is grandiose, impressive in appearance or style.  Affect Experienced:  Being unique, special, great, admired, adore, perfect & entitled.
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  • Master-slave unit:  (Commonly seen in Schizoid)  Maternal part-object which is manipulative, coercive, it the master and wants only to use, not relate to. Part-self representation of a dependent, a slave who provided a function for the object and is a victim.  Affect Experienced:  In jail, but connected, existence acknowledged, relief in not being alienated.
• Experiences of non-attachment 
  • Withdrawing object relations unit: (Commonly seen in Borderline) Maternal part-object Which withdrawals, is angry and critical of efforts toward separation-individuation. Part-self representation of being inadequate, bad, ugly, an insect etc.  Affect Experienced:  Homicidal rage, suicidal depression, panic, hopelessness, emptiness, void, guilt.
  • Empty self-aggressive object unit:  (Commonly seen in Narcissism) Maternal part-object is harsh, attacking & devaluing. Part-self representation is inadequate, fragmented, unworthy & unentitled.  Affect Experienced:  Abandonment & depression 
  • Self-in-exile sadistic object unit: (Commonly seen in Schizoid) Maternal part-object which is sadistic, dangerous, devaluing, depriving, abandoning.  Part-self representation of being alienated, in exile, isolated but self-contained to self-reliant.  Affect Experienced:  Depression, rage, loneliness, fear of cosmic aloneness.